Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
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