take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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