Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
