I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
