Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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