i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Randomize
