This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
