you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
