So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
