just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
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