Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
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