i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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