friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
