When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
