Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
