just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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