So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
