and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
