WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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