your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
