i was rollin on her like bob the builder
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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