I wish I could punch you in the face.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
