need another drink. this is the easiest way
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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