No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
