he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
