I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
