Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
