I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
