There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
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