a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Randomize
