2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
