I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
