Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
