My nipple is on Facebook.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
