I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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