I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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