I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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