My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Randomize
