I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
