When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
