i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
