Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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