Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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