You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
