If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
