we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
