Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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