did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
