she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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