Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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