this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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