I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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