Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Randomize
