Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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