apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize