I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
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