Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Randomize