What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
